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Something which I've never even tried to verabalize, let alone write down is the subject for today's blog.

I've always thought there must be something wrong with me, since I've always been almost at the point of being tormented spiritually.  That may seem a bit harsh, and surprising to those who know me, but it's true.  Never actually tormented, albeit a few times when I deserved it, but more to the point where most people would consider it consistently uncomfortable.

Being spiritually aware and continuously conscious of right and wrong choices, for me, has always been somewhat of a bane in my life.  Often times I've referred to this phenomenon as having an "overactive conscience".  Whenever I "choose the wrong", I've always known it, and I've always known that God has known as well.

This makes for some seriously difficult times throughout life, being that life is rife with minute-by-minute right vs. wrong choices.

So, by now in this blog, I'm sure you'd say that I've lived a life full of strife, right?  Well...

If you were to stop me in the street and ask me to describe, in one word, my life until now...  I'd probably stop, look at you to determine your motive for a second or two (I've always been a generally good judge of character), and then respond with the word:

BLESSED

"Blessed?  What?  After telling us you've lived a tormented life for your entire existence?  Are you a liar or what?", you might be questioning right now, but.... please let me continue in this quest for quintessential quenching of my quarrelling quandries.

Hehe.... I must be too caffeinated today... Anyway...

Yes... Blessed.  It seems to me that an eternal truth of life is the existence of opposition in all things.

With the constant battle going on inside my head when I make bad decisions, also comes an almost indescribable peace when God wills it with my good ones.

I've had, on occasion, experiences with friends, as well as alone, where I've felt to the degree of sensory deception, the presence of God as near to me as my wife is when I embrace her.  Sweetly sacred experiences which have left an indellible impression, I dare not deny.

So why the contrast?  Why live a life so full of "good vs. evil" that it seems the each minute's fight only leads to more and more battles?

Well... That one is easy, my friend.

Because to me, each battle is worth fighting.

I might be completely off my rocker here, but I believe that with each seemingly minor triumph in my minute-by-minute battles, I have more power to conquer the one which is inevitably on the ever-so-close horizon.

I also believe the ultimate goal I'm fighting for happens to be one that is both eternal and joyful, and as such, is worth whatever price I have to pay to attain it.

So...  Here comes the crux of this whole blog entry.

What about all the people in this world who don't seem to be fighting a fight?  Who are just cruising along, seemingly happy, and seemingly successful in life?  What about them?

Well, first off, I'm a firm believer in the notion that nobody on this earth can accurately judge another without the intervention of God.  We don't know what that "seemingly happy" person is going through.  In fact, most people who know me are totally oblivious to this fight going on inside me.

In general, we hide our struggles pretty well.

But, be as that may, I've had fairly candid conversations with a number of people who have expressly stated that they live a very easy life.  Nothing really bothers them, no decisions to them are too consequential, and the ones that are - they have under control.  Life, to these people, is a sailboat being gently blown through the waters of easy street.

Now, what I'm about to say is quite damning to pretty much everyone in existence, so, while I believe it to be true, please take it with a grain of salt.

I heard someone say this last week in a church meeting, and I found it very profound:

"If Satan isn't working against you, it would do you well to evaluate your life to see how you are working for him."

Now, let me say quickly that what I DO NOT MEAN by this is "if you have an easy life, you're worshipping Satan"

The premise under which I believe that statement to be true contains the following:

• Satan is actively working to destroy the happiness of man.
• No sane, rational human on earth is immune to Satan's temptation.
• All it takes for Satan to win is for good men to do nothing.

If you put those three things together, I believe you get the aforementioned claim.

I hope I haven't completely offended and confused everyone reading this.

I guess all I'm saying is that there are many examples of scriptural accounts of people who fight and suffer and even are killed for their salvation.

I've always wondered why so many people seem to just cruise along in life, seemingly devoid of temptation.

Without taking into account all the thousands, if not millions of exceptions, due to the fact that I can't really judge anyone, I think the quote I received in church last Sunday pretty well sums up the conclusion.

Heh....  How's that for a garbled jumble of spiritual mumbo-jumbo?