Mon - Jan 17, 2011 : 10:50 pm
New Direction in Following Christ
this ones personal.
I left the church after realizing that I am gay, and I don't want to change that. Lastnight.
I do not believe in the Church's stance on homosexuality. Which is that you can overcome those temptations,
that it is an awful sin, and as long as you don't act on it, youre okay.
I really don't believe that God would make 10% of Americans gay if it was so wrong.
And I do not believe it is a choice or something even wrong at all.
I am taking action to embrace each part of who I truly am, and I believe, so much, that it is a part of me.
When I was learning, they told me it was wrong in the eyes of God. I didn't know how I felt about that, because I was a lesbian before. I've been in many relationships with other girls and had never been taught that before.
However I was also never taught that sex before marriage was wrong, so I tried to adapt to their teachings.
I denied that part of me. I dated a guy in the Church and it was awful. I didn't have feelings for him, but he wanted to marry me someday. I did not, so I broke it off.
I began getting to know a gal who was a member but had been inactive. She used to drink and smoke and have sex with people, but she wanted to come back to Church. She is awesome!! I really fell in like with her, but do not want to influence her path towards the church in any way, because i know how positive it can be in one's life.
We instantly became best friends. I spent almost a week at her house, day and night, because her and I just clicked and we can talk for hours.
Her and the Mission President were the only ones that knew I had ever dated a girl before ( during baptismal interviews, if you've been in a homosexual relationship, had an abortion, or committed a serious crime you needed to talk to someone other than the missionaries. I did not specify to them which it was, although they eventually guessed, and talked to the mission president.)
This girl who was kind of inactive has dated a girl in her past.
So, my feelings continued and kind of continue to grow for her, but I would never try; because I want her to take a great path and she really wants to go back to Church and i think that is great.
Don't get me wrong, I still love the Church. I still believe it is true. I know it is. But I do disagree with their views on Gays, obviously.
That is why it has been so hard for me to do what I have done, which is leave.
I went to the Bishops house lastnight, without disclosing really any of what i was planning on talking to him about beforehand. However he thought it was about why I was not going to give a talk on the blessings of obedience next Sunday and probably that i was having a hard time in life, which I obviously am.
I got there, and talked to a Homosexual hotline and some friends before doing so. I was nervous, but sure this was what I should do. He asked why I didn't want to give the talk, but that was not easy to explain without getting into the other parts first; as in I'm leaving the Church.
So I told him I'm stopping everything ( I also was Relief Society Counselor)
and he told me Satan had a hold of me. I disagreed.
Much more conversation went on ( well like 10 minutes of it)
and in the end he exclaimed, "What am I going to tell other people?"
and I told him he could say that I have just decided not to be a part of the church anymore.
He then stood up and told me to leave. Sigh.
I continued to say I was sorry and that I was not trying to hurt anyone or cause problems.
He told me he planned on telling others not to talk to me, and did so with the missionaries.
Today, things went well. The other night, when I told my friend that I was gay and (kind of at that moment) decided it would be best to leave the Church, once I made that choice, A huge weight was lifted off my shoulder.
The constant negativity in my mind left. And I really felt better.
Another friend, a man in our singles ward who just got married, texted me a few hours ago and told me that him and his wife would be going to the temple soon ( us three had made a plan to go each week together) and asked if I would be interested in going. I told him no, that I was leaving the Church. He happened to be at a member of the Bishopric's house and told him and his wife , to whom I am VERY close with and love dearly.
The man ( second counselor in Bishopric) , his wife Sister P texted me to say " I love you, will you talk to me?"
I said I loved them both, and I would, but I wasn't sure the Bishop wanted her to. She called and told me I was like a daughter to them and that their love for me would always remain eternal. She told me that sometimes her own daughter makes decisions or does things that she does not agree with or does not like, but she continues to stand by her, always. She said that it was the same with me. That she wanted to continue contact and to see me, and that if she ever heard anything about me; she would defend me.
This made my heart so happy. I was so scared of losing them. She also told me that she recognized that I am a logical person, and that if I have thought about and made the choice to stop attending, that she thought that I truly thought it was what was best for me at the time. Wow. What wonderful people. I keep wondering why the Bishop did not react in a way more kindly, after all I am just a 19 year old girl and was very nervous going in there.
I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life. I am grateful for Jesus Christ and His love for me, as well as Our Heavenly Father's. I am sad to leave the Church, as I do feel it is true, but also feel like I cannot be an actively gay member.
I am grateful for those who love me in this life, and accept me for who I am.
I am a Christ-follower. I am gay. I am happy. Life will be fine.